Families often struggle with the issue of aging parents who are unwilling to move out of their home. Children want to convince their parent(s) to leave their house and then they have to make things happen once the opportunity arises or the need becomes acute.

My mother, Beverly Boyce, bought a house with my father on Detroit’s Northwest side in 1962. Already with seven children, my parents would go on to have five more, including me.

For various reasons, my eleven siblings and I decided a few years ago that it was time for Mom to move. We met, and we strategized, but Mom always responded with something along the lines of “I will move when I want to move!”[Our frustration was not unlike that of the daughter of Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino. See www.veevr.com/videos/Tvbxb5m6f] As of last summer, she remained in her house with my brother who suffers from a mental illness.

In September, after being taken to see a few apartments, Mom finally said she was ready to go. We knew we had to move fast and that a lot of issues would need to be worked out. (“Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!”) I immediately updated an “action plan” that I had drafted in January. It had three columns: What, When and Who. Although only a few pages, it demonstrated the challenges we would face. We set the move for November 5, to beat the Detroit winter and put things in motion—before Mom changed her mind! My siblings volunteered for the various tasks, and I signed on for a few, including the one that nobody else wanted (selling the house). The revised checklist on October 8 gave us four weeks to arrange for:

applying to the senior apartment and signing a lease

transfer of my brother’s mental health services

cleaning out the old house: what to keep, throw out, give away

dumpsters and help with taking out some heavy items

hazardous waste drop-off

a moving company

recordkeeping and changes of address

making ourselves available on the right days

keeping my mother and brother informed, without freaking them out

having the house professionally cleaned, then sold (no small task in Detroit’s depressed market) and secured

the moving day itself

the move into the apartment including furniture and utilities

Helped by the full cooperation of my mother and brother and their sudden decisiveness, my siblings in Detroit zipped through the checklist with amazing speed. Within two weeks, and with extensive use of email, we had gone through half of the checklist. Dumpster #1 came two weeks before the planned move, then dumpster #2 a week before, and the move happened as scheduled on November 5. The cleaners came that same day and on November 6, I was showing the house to prospective buyers (my mother didn’t want to show it until it was clean!). As promised by our real estate agent, we got a few offers on the house and closed the sale on November 30 (whew!). In spite of saying that she had “made the wrong decision” on the drive to her new apartment, my mother is now quite happily living there.

I have left out many challenges faced along the way, but this story did have a happy ending, and we learned a lot in the process. Every family situation is different, but if you are in a similar situation, the following tips may help you to achieve a good result:

Be prepared. Even if your parents seem dead-set against moving, start making plans for when they might change their mind. Introduce the idea to your parents gradually. Get other family members involved, research housing options (based on some basic preferences of your parents), and start taking small steps (like cleaning out their house) to make the move easier when the time comes. My mother’s reluctance to move was in part because it was just too overwhelming for her to think about all that a move would entail.

Involve your parents in the process, but don’t wear them out. Your parents will be more likely to move if they feel like it is their decision, not one imposed on them by a bunch of conniving kids. Involve your parents in decisions, but not necessarily the actions. Try to space out the tasks in which your parents have to be involved, since they may have less energy than their children do.

When your parents say they are ready, act fast. They may never say they are ready, but once parents give something stronger than a “maybe,” put the plan into action. Take time off work if needed. Demonstrate quickly that the move is in motion, so that your parents won’t reconsider. Inform your parent(s) of what is being done and involve them as much (or as little) as they want to be.

Take charge, somebody. Family members, especially younger ones, may not be used to assigning tasks to others and bugging them to act. But without someone in charge, too many tasks sit undone, or fall on one or two people.

Client responsiveness! Try to deal with your parents’ concerns and fears as much as possible.

Accept that you may not find an ideal solution to every issue. Using time and effort to seek a perfect solution may cause the whole move-out plan to unravel.

Use the talents of family and friends. All may not contribute the same quantity of effort, but everyone should have something unique to contribute.

Use technology. Much can be done from far away.

Cherish some memories, but be decisive and action oriented. Respect the family home and all that is inside it, but emphasize that memories are in your heart; keep your eyes on the main goal—a better living situation for your parents.

Get the right real estate agent for the area. We considered an agent from the suburbs who “looked like us,” but the agent we chose knew the territory and managed the process smoothly.

Don’t forget to focus on the New! Remember to prepare services and new installations at the other end of the move. Health services, church, utilities, phone, banking and financial changes, grocery and other shopping, etc. This not only helps the transition, but may help your parents to look forward to the move instead of only backward at the house they are leaving.

Have fun! It is not every day that the family is able to rally around one cause together, and spend so much time with each other and with your parents.

By Daniel Boyce